By asking these questions, you’ll be able to identify someone who is equipped to walk alongside you in faith.
When you start spiritual direction, you’re entering into a sacred, vulnerable, intimate relationship designed to lead you closer to God.
You need someone who will journey with you in your faith struggles, calling, discernment, spiritual disciplines, and reflection about God at work in your day-to-day life. Your personality, theology, and communication styles must all be compatible.
So, what should you ask when you first meet? How do you even start the conversation? In this second of our four-part “Knowing if You Need Spiritual Direction” series, we offer 12 practical and spiritual questions to ask a potential spiritual director before embarking on a long-term relationship. By asking these questions, you’ll be able to identify someone who shares your theological beliefs, respects your story, and is equipped to walk alongside you in faith.
Whether you are looking to begin spiritual direction with your church, a retreat center, or a network like the Exponent Marketplace, these questions can help you discern a relationship that will help you along your spiritual formation journey.
Begin with gathering general knowledge of their training and experience. Do they have formal spiritual direction training? How long have they been in practice? Do they belong to any spiritual direction organizations or groups of practice?
This question will help you determine if they take their position seriously and whether or not they have a sense of the etiquette and the discipline required of the ministry.
Because spiritual direction includes prayer, discernment, and nurturing of personal faith, theological congruence is essential. You don’t need to share every detail of doctrine, but you need to know that your beliefs and traditions are understood and respected.
Ask how their theology impacts the way they approach individuals from different backgrounds. For example, suppose you are a member of an evangelical or mainline Protestant church. In that case, you might want to know whether the director holds similar values around the Bible or the Holy Spirit.
This query exposes their direction philosophy. Are they the companion, the guide, the listener, the mirror? Are they directive, asking reflective questions, or relatively passive, allowing you to direct the conversation yourself?
There’s not one correct answer — but their answer, combined with what you know about their track record, can help gauge whether their style meets your needs.
Request a tangible image of what happens in a session. Will it start with a period of silence or prayer? Do they rely on Scripture, art, breathwork, or Ignatian practices? What is the usual session duration? What do they expect of you as the directee? Knowing the structure, you can ease any pre-race jitters and mentally and spiritually prepare for your first session.
Most Protestants' religious practices focus on Scripture and prayer. Some spiritual directors may pray with you, while others might offer prayer practices or Scripture meditations to take home.
You’ll want to know if Scripture is incorporated naturally into the discussion or feels tacked on, and, for that matter, how prayer works in their time together.
Suppose you are from a particular stream (Baptist, Pentecostal, Reformed, Anglican) or have specific life experiences (vocational ministry, mission, deconstruction). In that case, you might ask your director if they have worked with others who have traveled a similar path.
Similar experience isn’t a requirement, but understanding the context you’re entering will help you foster trust more quickly.
This is one of the best questions to ask your director. We’ve all had times of spiritual dryness, doubt, or silence. The director's maneuver of these moments betrays their theology of suffering, mystery, and grace.
Seek someone who won’t be in a hurry to fix you or explain things away but who can gently wait with you and listen.
You should expect the same professionalism and confidentiality from a director as you would in counseling or therapy. Ask about:
This exchange provides both clarity and safety around your relationship moving forward.
A good spiritual director is always growing. It’s best if they are either being supervised or in direction themselves. This demonstrates humility and integrity in their work.
It’s also evidence that they know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of direction.
Some people enter spiritual direction, imagining it’s therapy or pastoral counseling. An experienced director might offer some guidance, because spiritually direction requires acknowledging what is happening in your life. Unlike traditional therapy or counseling, however, a spiritual director is focused more on helping you discern where God is in that process.
Inquire how they address problems like grief, anxiety, spiritual trauma, or vocational discernment. (If they think something is outside their purview, do they refer out?)
Directors may be available monthly or biweekly. Some meet in person, others virtually via video or phone, and some can even collaborate with you in a retreat format.
Find out how flexible they are about rescheduling, whether they permit the occasional check-in between sessions, and how far in advance they book.
These logistical issues can make or break an otherwise whole relationship.
Most directors offer a free or discounted initial conversation to determine your fit. Use some of the questions above face-to-face, understand how they communicate, and see if it feels natural.
Remember: You don’t have to click with the first person you shake hands with. If something is not right, seek another director who you can connect with and trust.
After the initial meeting, reflect prayerfully on how it went. Ask:
How they made you feel in the session is as crucial as their qualifications.
Spiritual direction is a sacred dialogue among you, your director, and the Holy Spirit. The right person might take a little time to find, so don’t be deterred. The right fit is everything.
In the third part of this series, we’ll examine how spiritual direction differs from discipleship, coaching, and counseling, and how you can determine what kind of support you need at this time in your life.
If you’re ready to take the first step with spiritual direction, visit the Exponent Marketplace to find trained spiritual directors.
